im stayinh home from school today so id thought: let me get some of my terrible thoughts out. so im here for that.

i dont know whats happening to me. i feel so angry and evil and jealous and hateful? ive been dreading seeing my friends, my irl ones, for a while. the idea of hanging out with them or seeing them at my school just makes me so. mad. i cant explain why. i think i hate them. i go betweem hating them and not hating them. my chest gets heavy from it and i just feel so much disgust.

i cant stand most people. they irritate me. im not really good at relationships and i usually fuck them up, like, badly. i havent been able to keep most of my friends for long and the ones i have we've drifted apart even though i thought we'd be like forever yknow? i idolize them and whatever and them i go #Nevermind and i fucking hate them. right now i hate them. i hate everyone. ok. not everyone. but.

i have been so , so , Jealous. i cant talk to anyone about it really because its evil and selfish. i get so angry on calls i need to stop talking or else ill genuinely freak out and start saying very rude things. it stresses me out. yesterday was fine when i was on call iwasnt angry that made me happy. but i just. its so weird? i hate being like this. its not like its something that HASNT happened. ive just. been in such a bad spot this monthand so.

my paranoia has gotten worse. im constantly paranoid my friends dont like me. that theyre talking about me. and i cant even disprove it because of how afraid and avoidant i am towards them. i get a little shaky thinking about them. it creates this bad pit in my stomach and i just get worse. i havent felt so weirdly triggered ,like this in a hot minute. everything sets me off. i feel like i want to ruin everything. everyone is out to get me and i know it and oine day ill get them back and theyll never fucking see me again. it sounds edgy to talk about. its embarassing to THINK about. i know they dont like me. they have something against me. theyre too much of pussies to say it to my face.

schools ending soon. i have lots of work to do. im going to be fine today though. i just hate how much hate i feel. hate hate hate hate or whaftgever. its like i genuinely cant be around some people or it like sets something off in me. and then i get paranoid and cry. its dumb.

i watched a new movie a few days ago. i liked it. it was good. i got some new clothes i liked that. im very hungry. im going to see if i can grab something to eat in a bit. im happy there are people i can be around still. like my boyfriend. Wow. i never fucking shut up about him do i. but i still hate lots of people i talk to. i think i canlike handle 2 people (one just more less but hes been OK) without feeling like im getting possessed by the devil and i want to block them and never speak to again because of how irritated they make me

you know what i really waant? theres these uuum,. gelatos. from downtown where i live. they have really good flavors. i want that. and a burger. a really really good burger.