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hi. a lot has happened so this is gonna be alonger one today, maybe. the title is from kimya dawson :-) juno movie. ya

me nd my bfs anniversary was like around a week or so ago, march 30th. um, it went veyr very very well. i drew some cute things for him and he made me a very sweet and vulnerable video. it made me almost cry because of how inlove i am with him and how good it feels to make him feel loved. i genuinely do not think i will ever doubt the fact he loves me anymore because he;s just so. hes always so ncie to me and gentle and caring and gentle and funny and he respects me and treats me so well. i want to be with him so bad. i want him so badly it makes me upset. i want to be in his arms and laugh and cry and i want to hold him and never let go.

i cant get over how fucking Lucky i am to have him. like, genuinely. he is the light of my life and i dont know what id be or where id be without him, he has helped me so much and ihjgof....... im genuinelky so deeply inlove with him . he issomeone i can always go to when im not feeling good and i just can Be there with him. theres been so many times where ive wanted to kill myself or do hurtful things but i haventbecause i coudlnt imagine ruining things with my boyfriend. i hope he feels the same way where he can come to me if hes upset or anything becasue i will always be tehre for him

i think im kind o f dependant on him. whichSucks. theres this terrible obsessive feelign in my chest i get and it makes me feel not good. dont get me wrong: i love him lots and the fact im devoted to him doesnt rlly like......bother me but it also does? i do wish i was normal and didnt have meltdowns and freak out and be paranoid all the time caus of it but also theres nobody elkse id rather be with. i have trouble making friends adn relationships and keeping them. i am actually usually quite distant fi im not attached. everyone else just makes me so angry all the time but thats not my bf. sometimes i get bad thoughts where i think mean things and it makes me so guilty for thinkiugn like that. i would never want to think of anythjng rude about my bf ever but im justfucked up so it doe shappen but im working on it. well kinda . i would like to feel like my own person and its not like hes treating me if otherwise! hes so sweet and kind and isnt weird about me and i am Nooot implying otherwise. but i think its okay to feel lots of love fo rmy bf. i just feel so safe with him its hard not to, i just wish i could be more stable and normal for him. i want to get better for him, i just need to figure out whats wrong wiht me in the first place. i think for the most part ive been OK . im soryr if this is worded weird

ive been kiund of in a bad state right now like i cant stand most of my irl friends. talking to them makes me so angry and embarassed and sad and hateful and it makes me feel shitty but it feels so hard to NOt get like that towards them. its like my brain is actively sabotaging me. it sucks. i go between hating and liking them like every day or just ever idont know

they majke me feel dumb. i feel embarassed being around them because i feel so disconnected from them and stuff and it feels like they all genuinely hate me. i dontk now what to do with that. it pisses me off. last night i had a really bad freakout and ive been filled with shame like this whole day, it kinda sucks. and i have schoolwork due on monday...UGH. i also got suddenly really sick today so i stayed home, it was shitty. my head still hurts so bad and ive felt so lightheaded. i almost puked but becaus i hadnt eaten anything i didnt rlly.

ivre mostly been calling my bf today but he left to go call with his o ther friends like 30 minutes ago. its weird. i dont think i do much if im not with him, i admittedly am still working on it but when im alone i usually just zone out like hours just pass by and im not rlly Doing anything that productive. its like im in a trance, disacociative? idk? its weird.

i might go to bed early caus im sleepy but idk! im not in a terrible mood currently, im just very sleepy and tired and my head still hurts a little. i hate how much i hate my irls right now , but also theyre just so terrible to be around. i love my bf lots though.