been a hot minute Hasnt It? i dont even know how i feel right now
hi to my singular follower on this blog by the way. appreciate it. Ok anyway: i think im reaching a really shitty stage in my life and im a Lioiitttlleee nervous for it because i feel like a stereotypical teenage girl and its been pissing meoff. you know those really transphobic caricatures of like trans men on twitter? thats Kinda how i feel and it makes me feel really embarassed and i hate it.
i tried weed again a few days ago and it was a really big nothingburger but i think its played some part in effing me up because ive been getting chest pains and IDK if its from staying up till like 5 in the morning talking to My bf or doing drugs part but ive felt so out of it im just like so tired and distant and i hate it. also i think i might have an eating disorder. or Disordered Eating . somrthoing
ive been like weird about food like whenevr i eat now i just feel disgusting and i dont think im particularily worried about becoming like fat but its just like eating i hate it i tmakes me nauseous but i still eat a bunch and i feel gross and bleeggghhhhh :-(
Also me nd my bfs anniversary is in like 2 weeks and im scared because iam drawing something but i dontknow if its enough ior good and i wanna draw even more but i tried to all day and i fucking couldnt do it and it makes me so upset. i feel like i cant capture How i want to draw him hes so handsome andim so scared ill draw him wrong. i feel like a narcissist because i can draw myself i Love drawing myself its all i do i usually draw myslef all the time. its just so. ugh. im drawing us over a scene in dexter w/ him and rita because they';re literally us. i wanna keep watching dexter i miss them
ive been missing my bf all day amd i havent done shit. even playing outlast trials wasnt that fun i wanna be normal again ufgh. i also tried relapsing but like it wasnt really me trying it was like morbid curiosity yknow? yeah but like im kinda damaging myself hard and im scaredi ll push people away. i feel so dry and shallow and empty like im just a husk. im scared im fake. i dont wanna be fake i want to feel and be complex but i just i dunno its so fucking hard for me to. im going to go back to normal. ill be happy and cute and whimsical and ill be perfect forever. i have kinda looked cute today. also tommyinnit was on qsmp 2. that was nice.
i think, someday, im going to start coding. like, actual coding. for like a vn game or something, i dunno. i could make little devlogs on here so if my niche fans ever wanted to see my past life they ccould find it here as like an archive. that dbe cool. i want to be famous and remembered. i got 7k likes on a bullshit tweet i made. i like getting attention and feeling special.
i think the worst thing about all of this is that i didnt even fucking get high. anyway. im gonna hope everything will be fine. im on spring break rightnow. i dont wanna go back to school. maybe i should go back to drawing while i wait for my bf. i think hes calling someone else rignt now. im trying to not be paranoid. ill be fine. i might go play a round of olt i dunno. thanks for reading everyphoney