hello :-) its the day after valentines day. so, the 15th, obviously. i think i mightve messed up the coding on the past few posts as it doesnt show the title and stuff. my boyfriend just went to sleep early so i thought id write something as i still have a few more hours till ill be going to bed, although i dont do much when hes not awake or with me--i only am really doing things with him, but i dont have an issue with that

i have lots of dreams. literal dreams like the ones you get when you sleep, ones for the future, i have a lot. i have a few that have been playing back in my mind for awhile now, though. i get lots of dreams about my boyfriend, theyre usually quite intimate. getting to hold him or cuddling with him, or just spending time with eachother. its very physical and not Exactly in the sexual way, i have had my mind slip a few times and it is a little embarassing and innapropriate of me. i just want to be close to him in some form, we're like, extremely long distance but i think that'll be changing in a few years. i always think about it: what it'd be like to be like that with him, just in general. being able to hold his hand or stare into his eyes for real, and not through a camera. he'd be able to see me for once instead of being too anxious to show my face, itsnot like he Hasnt seen mine, he has and from my knowledge he doesnt think im ugly but its still kind of a bad topic for me. i dont like how i look most days but he doesnt mind, i just wonder what itd be like to actually have something like that though.

and sometimes i dont have good dreams with him either, they leave pits in my stomach and make me paranoid. make me upset. even if i know its not real it still triggers me. having dreams of breaking up or falling out, it makes me scared. i love him a lot! and its made me kind of think especially yesterday, im scared how i act is kinda shallow.....?

like , my way of speaking and acting could kindof feel.......... fake? in a way? or maybe just not very in-depth, if you want? i really wanted to draw us together for valentines day as a little present but i didnt end up doing that. i love making gifts and giving things to people but i dont end up doijgn it very much ill be honest. i dont like attending peoples birthday parties. id attend his if i could though, id do my best to make/get him good presents. but he made something for Us on valentines day and it just. i was So grateful for it. i cant stop replaying the video he made because it makes my chest So warm and it makes me feel so loved (and he also made a playlist for us! i havent stopped listening to that, lol) asnd im scared i didnt get that across enough. what if i acted like i didnt care? if not obvious--ive talked about being paranoid that HE doesnt like me but what if HES scared i dont like Him? i dont, and i dont think he hates me either because he wouldnt make something so sweet for me if he did. it feels like im leeching off of him and his affection and not giving anythiung back but i dont want to be perceived like that, im just kind of scared he might, i guess? im not upset at him or myself its just something i noticed. it does make me feel a bit guilty but i in return do attempt to atleast reciprocate that feeling of love and care he gives me as much as i can. i hope he knows i loved that so much. i downloaded it and i kept rewatching it and it makes me so emotional haha.

back onto dreaming. i get even worse dreams, but they arent about him. i have very bad intrusive thoughts. like, very gross, its nasty to talk about it honestly. but ive been having these reoccuring dreams or........ i guess thoughts? its not anything i like or enjoy but theyre there.

its all the same with it. theres always me and someone else, its as of late, been an older woman. which is weird, a lot of my intrusive thoughts or whatever theyre fucking called are with old men. far older than me, to the point where itd be weird to be in public expressing anything. its extremely sexual and its quite nasty. i dont know why its been triggered and why ive been getting it but it makes me havethis weird feeling, but its not good. i think its been getting triggered because of my mom. i get very paranoid about her and i dont like it, but i can block this all out very well if i try. its easier when i have the ability to distract myself, like obsessing and pining over my bf.

i have another dream with him. i have a dream that one day we'll move in together and get to see eachother everyday, i dont want kids. thatd be too much to ask of me. i wouldnt want to bring a kid into this world, also i dont think i'd be a good parent. id like a cat though. i wouldnt really care as long as im with him, we could wake up in the same bed together and get to sit on the same couch together. we could go out and have cute dates, id love to go and get sushi with him or something one day. that one day we'll be able to get married and we could wear something cute. itd be the best day of my life if i got to marry him. we could go home and we could do whatever we wanted. we wouldnt have to be held back by stupid things like family drama or friend drama or anything. i want to live a life with him where we're happy and i think thats possible and it can/will happen. he's coming to wherei live in 2 years, i just need to hold on for a little longer. i love him so much.

our anniversary is in a month and i dont know how its possible but every day i love him even more than the last and my love will only grow even more. i dont know how i got so fucking lucky meeting such a lovely boy who fell inlove with Me of all people but i hope whatever he sees in me he never loses. fuck dude i love my boyfrined.

i dont know who truly reads this or cares but if you do read this please knows things can get better if youre struggling and dont give up yet