hello again. im um. im not doing very good. ive been freaking out for the past few hours and its rlly embarassing and i feel nauseoyus. i dont think my boyfriend likes me. it feels like ive done something wrong and its making me feel miserbale ihate itiihate ithate i t
im not verygood with being somene. already talkedabout it a lot before butits sohard for me to be normal andihate it i hat enot being ab,le to feel like my own fucking person. idont want to be so attached to people. its ruining my lfie. i cant do anytihnf anymore without being afraid. if im not with him i getworse and ifeel so nasty forit. i feel like im evil. i swiitch so quicklyin my feelings and sometimes illf eel so mean and terribleand idont meanit i knowidont but im so ANgry im so mad and it like takesover mywohle body therees like a pit in my stomach andit feels hard to breathe. idont want to make it anymore awkward. if i say anything ill look fucking crazy and he wont like me even more. i feel like hes talkingbehind me aboiut my back. you never Know a person. theycould be lying to youi for Aaaall you know.
ilove him os much andihate feeling like this. its selfish. i sohguldnt just be able to get upset anytime i want its hypcoritical. butijust want him to tell me whatever itis i did wrong iknow idid something i can Feel it.
its hardfor me ot be my own person. for these past few years ive always felt more like an attachment. maybe like an accesory ? i was someone elses. my life revolved around Them. and id be so attached but id be so evil and terrible too and id be so mean but inever wanted to be left and id be so paranoid over it. itd actually make me sick. its very bad with my boyfriend because we';re also dating. i feel like a toxic boyfriend. i feel so disgusting for it. im so trerrible. i jusyt want to die maybe then he could finally be free of me. im so needy and desperate allthe time. i dont talk to many people inoly usualy talk 2 him. if im not im just sitting alone for hours and then i go to bed. go to school. go home. wait. i feel useless. i dont want to be like this anymorebut it feels os good when its good ifeel safe and loved and im haoppy but it INSTANTLY comes crashing down. i hate it. i hate it so much. i feel like im broken. whgy is everything against me.
when it came to my other attachments they were very bad. ive had 3 big cases of this in the past 4 years. two of them being my old friends of which i dont speak to, my second one we still talk sometimes but its very hard to do so. she was kind of mean to me but we were both kindof not the best. she has a conduct disorder so i know she struggled a lot. those two were irl friendships so i definitely was more Um......... Outward with how iacrted.
it feels the worst with my boyfriend becuase of HOW much i love him. i love him so much. i like everything about him he is so amazing but im scaredhe doesntlike me. i dontweant him to be lyingid0ont wabt him to leave me andits os scrary i feel like im creeping him out and he hatesme. idont want that. we havent beenable to talk for the past 2 days and its so bad ifeel like im going to die. i care about him so much but then suddenly i act so shitty and i hateit iodont want to be evil anymore i want to be normal whycant i be normal
the only tihng thats been distracting me is the outlast trials. im a fan of that now too by the way. Um. yeah. i dunno. i thought things were ok earlier today but i guess fucking not. im so upset. idont want to be like this. i wish ikjnew why i was like this. i dont know. everything sucks. i wish i could cutmyself again. id do anything to have a blade. Ugh.
ihope tomorw will be ok