Wow. its Um. its my birthday today! or, its BEEN my birthday. yknow, a new mitski song released yesterday. i think that was gods birthday present to me. i appreciate it. i was GOING to add a little thing so you could paly music on my blog but um. that also costs 5 bucks and i kindof reaaaaaaaaaaaally dont wanna pay that RN. just go listen to it yourself: rigjt here
all things considered: its been very good! not the best, but compared 2 my Other birthdays? yeah. way better. except i spent most of THIS birthday alone. well. technically. ididnt spend it with my friends, i actually probably spent most of my day (in terms of people) with the stylist at the hair salon i was at! got my hair cut and i think redyed...? i dont... actually Know. probably. the girl was very pretty and nice to me the whole time and i have a VERY ugly haircut now. in an endearing joyful way, i enjoy it a lot! this is Not a complaint. it makes me lookj stupid but in the way thats like oohhh im so whimsical and unique yknow? i love being different. because THIS is in my control and i like it. i dont like when i look weird and its out of my control and i cant fix it. my bangs are a little off because of my side pieces BUT: its not that bad. it definitely looks like a weird haircut buty its mine and thats OK. :-).
i am quite sad about the fact i couldnt spend it with my bf obvi BIT he was vrey nice about it. he wrote me a little nic emessage. Apppaaarently he was going to draw me something but he couldnt but he said he loved me so i Dont rlly care. ^_^ hecan draw for me another time anyway! i got looots of peopl;e who said happy birthday to me which made me smile. well. i dont actually know but spiritually i smiled probably id hope so. id like to say i am grateful because i was like praying for more than 2 people to say happy birthday to me. spoiler alert: i think like ummm 10 people sad Hapy biruthday to Me so. Yaysies.
ok everyones favortie part of my blog posts where i start kind of venting. i am Very happy i am yknow growing up but i also like Dont like that. at all. its fiucking scary. i worry for my future (i wont get into the specifics of it as my last post essentially did) and the fact im older and things can change just creeps me out. ill just get older and older then ill have to move out and go be my own person. thats SCARY! im already worrying about getting a job and i technically dont even NEED one. getting a job wgere i live (or , where anyone lives ever because it sucks EVERYWHERE) is so fucking annoying. oyu cant do anything. canada pisses me off. but its fine
on the positive side of having years pass by; itll mean it gets closer and closer to my boyfriend being able to move to wherei live! well. im not sure about moving but like, exchange student business, yknow? quite excited for that. only um.......... (checking my fake imaginary watch) like 2-3 years? i think 3. 2028. well shit not actually three. thats just two now. we're in 2026 ya BUM.
back on the other paragraph: its like, actually getting older is so........ weird to me? ive been so used to like. being so young. lying about my age and like doing things the average 9 year old should not have been doing , etc. ive had a Preeeeetty nasty history of talking to older men online when i was younger cause i wanted the attention. and now that im like getting older its like, thats kind of just...thsts not something i can DO. i already dont indulge in that terrible coping mechanism already but i think oyu get what /im/ getting at. id never go back to those times because i have (slightly) better ways to cope now and i have an amazing boyfriend so yknow. but its Strange...because i was just so built up on those experiences. that shit SHAPED me. its just odd in my opinion, y'know? gosh, ive said yknow a lot.
im hoping though considering im getting older, my problems might be taken a Biiit more seriously? AKA: im itching for a diagnosis. badly. like. Seeeriously bad. im considering making a blog post (a very self indulgent one) about mental illnesses and disorders and whatnot and what i think i have or whatever. not like Exactly have but talk about my traits! id argue it'd probably be one of my largest blogs. if i did that. these things keep getting larger and larger, ive got a lot 2 say, thats why i made this! privtwts are a very good (not good but) place to get my thoughts out but i cant TALK as much as i want to. from what my moms told me, i will be seeing a psychiatrist at some point because she said "its gotten to the point where you need to go see one instead of just a normal therapist" so i think she knows somethings up with me--but she wont say that to my face. i wont be too angry at her thinking about it though; shes been very nice to me today.
im not sure how i feel about the future. the world is going to shit right as im trying to grow up and that fuckin sucks. im hoping i can do my best though. kinda.
anyway, happy birthday to me. i think im okay.