for a while now ive always had um. struggles with my identity, who i am, what i want to be. etc. whenever im like......ASKED about that stuff, i cant really......think of anything?
like. my wway i view myself is constantly changing. its hard to view myself the same for longer than maybe a day, at best. ive always been unsure about what name ive wanted to go by, what pronouns, what my gender is, what my future is. just all of it. ill think i look so cute one day; that i have my life in order and everything will be okay. and then the next day theres things wrong about me. something about my face is off or my hair looks weird, when i look in the mirror i donmt see me. i hate it. i hate my Self. i cant seem to ever be HAPPY about what i am, because i dont think there really IS a me.
for like ever now, ive kindof always mimicked people or wanted to be someone else. if i had to picjk a power id pickj shapeshifting because then i could look and be however i wanted, it wouldnt havent to stay the same becasue i never FEEL the same, y'know? my days where i feel like someone right are very quick and shortlasting. then i spiral again. ive never really Been my own person, ive always wanted to look like someone else or live somebody elses life, ill mimic how people behave and its like ive just stolen from everybody to try and make me but me isnt there because no matter HOW much i take its not enough. i see myself as fictional characters and more as if i am them then myself, thats what is a part of me. or being apart of someone else, if im attached enough then theyre something thats apart of me too like ive. idunno. something. ive never been original. looking into the mirror makes me distressed because i dont SEE me i dont really know who that person is. i find that if one day, if i change mysdelf enough to look special and unique and stuff ill finally find me. but its kind of hard to do that, im too scared to try and get new stuff because thatd involve talking to my mom. im too scared to do that.
with the job thing, i genuinely just cant imagine a future for myself. and when i do its very shallow. im older, if im lucky i have my boyfriend with me, and i might live in an apartment. i cant See myself doing anything. i constantly switch between what jobs i want to do in the future, teacher, psychologist, a writer, an editor for a writer, an artist, etc. but its hard for me to imagine myself doing a job. being in that job and working, seeing an older version of myself DOING something with his life. i cant see it. its too hard to see. admittedly, even at the age of 8 i knew somethiing was wrong with me. i didnt have very high hopes. i was and still am convinced that ill end up killing myself at some point, the fact im even making it to my birthday is scary because theres so many times where i couldkve gone through with it. i know i wont. im too scared for that. but what am i meant to do for my future? its not like i cant do anything, i havent (atleast not yet) royally fucked up my grades, im doing pretty OK actually. but i just cant see myself past who i am. it feels like im always changing but not actually changing. ill never see myself the same but i dont actually change. in a sense. it feels like im stuck and i feel like the same little girl from years ago who couldnt stop crying. i was so scared and i still am i dont know what to do. i have very few reasons on why im still living--all very major reasons, but still nonetheless it is a SHORT list.
the best way i could describe myself and how i feel is like im a bunch of random stitched up things together, like some lab experiment that TRIED to make a person by just taking from everyone else. but instead im just emotionally unstable and dont have a self image/a really weird changing one and im all broken and now im alone so all i can do now is just keep adding more and more stitches and things so i can maybe see myself as a person. its stupid. it fucks with my gender identity too. its always been hard to pinpoint what i am and how i identify, i had to go through so many names and identities which pissed off a bunch of my irls id bet. when i finally thought, "WOW. this is it. i found myself! im so happy! this is me!" about 2 days later id be like "oh my god i hate myself tjhis doesnt even fit mme" so i changed a bunch. even the labels i go by NOW feel wrong but i cant do much about it at this point; im transmasc and agender (though not really, its complicated) and im some sort of queer. aro spec, really. nebularomantic. whatever. i do know im transmasc/ a trans guy but its so hard to think of how to describe it beyond that, ive never been the best at labels. sometimes i think id be happier with a different label if i just changed myself ENTIRELY. i knowi wouldnt. i dont think that fits me.
ive been going by jack for two years and i will say that is the ONE thing i am confident about. i see myself as jack entirely, and im hoping to get my name changed to jack one day. being trans is scary because i feel so out of place for not knowing what i want, because my dysphoria is.............Weird. as of lately ive actually been getting lots of bottom dysphoria about not having any junk, which is weird because ive never experienced that! ive made jokes about it but its never actually been where ive felt weird about it. i kind of have dysphoria in my voice in the way thats like id rather ANYTHING but the voice i have now. i do think i want it a bit more deeper/masc. but top dysphoria? i like.......dont experience any. it makes me feel weird because it feels like an experience im meant ot have but i dont. i feel guilty for it weridly enough. i still do think about top surgery and i would like it but i just. im not sure. im not sure about ANYTHING. i dont know who i am ever and it scares me. i want to feel like me.
i will say though, im getting my hair cut and redyed this weekend. im hoping it helps with my image. fuck, my hair feels so gross. this year im really hoping to expand my outfits more and maybe try out makeup! i do actually really like dressing up feminine, i dont like being referred to as a femboy or twink, though. it makes me very angry and uncomfortable. its just like... im Confident in myself. i do look very cute in skirts and pretty clothying, ive never really used makeup but i want to! im very fond of the whimsytwee style, and i really strive to wear funky outfits like that. thats kind of my main goal in terms of physical appearance, i just wish it was easier to achieve. im hoping to go thrifting at sometime........... aaaaahhh!!!
right now i feel especially bad. i really hate how i look. i feel disgusting. i wish i could jusrt become a fictional character i liked, honestly. id be way more happy looking like ctommyinnit than how i do currently. im very excited to get my hair done. my hair dye has been fading out, it wont go away but its a very normal orange/ginger and not the bright orange. and then we're going to some italian place for my birthday! im gertting their fettucine alfredo (with chicken) becausei fucking love chicken alfredo. new fact about me for anyone who has the pleasure of reading this :-) im not the happiest but i am really trying to atleast Stay normal for now. i dont wanna be seen as crazy and freak out the entire week just because ive been alone LOL............ im getting better at regulating myself!!! kind of. it feels like my chest is going to explode and i feel constantly empty and i kind of dont do anything for the 8 hours im home but: its ok. ill be okay. i hope its another snow day tomorow i rllllyyy dont wanna go to school haha.
if anybody actually IS reading this: hi!!! i appreciate u reading my blogs!! im kind of just screaming into the void but if you wanna watch me too thats okay. i appreciate it. as im typing this i feel like im going to die because my hair for whatever reason feels rlly gross i wanna go take a shower but its really fucking late. bye bye!!!!