Um. Hi. WOW. First time making a blog i think? ive really gotta fix up this website. im not very good at files or editting code or any of that stupid stuff. today is christmas. i got a bunch of stuff today. i was supposed 2get a Um. fiona apple Poster but thgat isnt coming until the New Year aPparentlee. Whatecver. I dont even care. ill be honest though ive kindof only spent christmas with my boyfriend, like, i opened presents at like 8am and then started calling with my boyfriend. as i am typnig this, we are still on call. hes currently streaming his instagram reels. i always find it rlly entertaining when he does that even if im not always watching. it makes me happy to know that he cares enough to show me whatever hes watching too, i guess? Spoiler Alert: i might talk about my boyfriend a lot here. ill keep him as anonymous as possible though eventhoiugh im sure nobody is reading this LOL. hes everything i could ask for. anyway:
im doing good. like, far better than 1-3 days ago. i had a pretty bad episode(?) i think id call it that. i got super paranoid and angry and i cried a lot and i stayed up till 3 in the morning listening to carnaries in the coal mine. very good song, B T W. but like. its so insane to me just HOW bad i can get. i was seriously considering not getting out of bed after that night, i had been SO miserable and i relapsed, too. its a little embarassing talking about it now but it scares me how bad and toxic i can get. and thats when im NOT expressing it outloud. it terrifies me that i could possibly be so terrible and evil like 10x more. scary shit Bro. Um. Yeah.
i hope my night will be g ood though. i think it will :-)